


things could be different, but they're not

by vaikunta



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Assisted Suicide, Canonical Character Death, M/M, No Sexual Content, Psychosis, just mature themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-03-30 23:49:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3956509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaikunta/pseuds/vaikunta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>poor, poor kazuaki.</p>
            </blockquote>





	things could be different, but they're not

"Kazuaki Nanaki..."

A professor's dull voice droned over and over in an equally dull classroom.

"Kazuaki Nanaki. Kazuaki Nanaki. Kazuaki Nanaki."

Kazuaki. Kazuaki. Kazuaki. Kazuaki. Kazuaki.

"Sir, I don't think Kazuaki is present today."

"Kazuaki never shows up."

"Did Kazuaki drop out?"

"I hear Kazuaki is a NEET."

"I've never even met Kazuaki! Does he go here?"

"Ew, really? Dead weight hikikomori like him should just die..."

"What a failure if he's skipping out on school like this all the time."

...

That's how it would probably sound this morning, Kazuaki thought. Yet another class he was skipping out on. Yet another morning he was laying here in his futon, messy blond hair drooping into his eyes. He was lightly sweating, as the apartment had been heating up due to the lack of air conditioning.

"I dont want to go, no matter what they end up saying about me." he said to himself, as if he was trying to raise his own morale. As if there was something good about living as a hikikomori.

He could hear their voices even now, as he laid motionless in his futon, listening to the hum of the small plug-in fan he had running just about constantly.

"We're so disappointed in you Kazuaki. You're an embarrassment Kazuaki. You should off yourself, Kazuaki."

The hikikomori boy sat up in his futon, thoroughly discomforted by the noises. He rubbed his forehead intensely with his palm, as if massaging the skin of his forehead would somehow get rid of the terror that was just about anything he experienced while awake.

"Imagine how nice it would be to die, Kazuaki. Imagine how nice it would be to sleep forever."

He groaned and attempted to pick himself up out of bed. His body was out of shape, considering just how little he actually left his apartment. Even when it came to groceries, he found it easier to order instant meals online and have them delivered to his doorstep. That way, he wouldn't have to go to the store. That way he wouldn't have to ask for directions to find the food he liked. That way he didn't have to awkwardly stare at the floor as the cashiers tried to take his money. The only downside was greeting the mailman at the door, but even now, the mailman knew better than to try and initiate idle chat.

This was just how life was.

This was how life continued to be every day. Every night.

Until he met him.

Uzune Hitori.

It started one night on the dimly lit streets of outside Kazuaki's apartment complex. Everything was so scary, even at night. The night sky was pretty, like a ferry that could carry him over the scary parts of life. He tried to keep his eyes focused on the sky as he walked, but sometimes he stumbled and remembered it would be best to look ahead of himself.

Eyes. He could feel eyes on him. Staring right through him.

Jerking his head to the side, he saw a middle-aged woman walking with her child. A look of distaste was obvious on her face. She clutched her child closer to her when Kazuaki locked eyes with her, walking faster.

Shiver, shiver, shiver. Kazuaki was shaking. Just a moment of contact and he was already about to break down crying.

It didn't take long until he actually did break down.

"She was scared of you, Kazuaki! Scared because you're a freak! Look at you; your hair is a mess, your eyes are so glassy, I can feel the clamminess of your palms by just looking at you! Absolutely disgusting. You're absolutely disgusting, Kazuaki."

"Yeah," Kazuaki muttered under his breath. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah..."

"A freak. Kazuaki is a freak! Kazuaki is a freak! Kazuaki should die! Kazuaki should dangle from a noose! Kazuaki should gush out blood until he di-"

"Hello?"

A voice interrupted the cruel barrage of words that assailed Kazuaki's mind. Opening his eyes, Kazuaki found himself in the middle of the sidewalk, sitting down in the fetal position, hands pressed like screws onto his forehead.

"Are you feeling alright? Do you need help?"

Words. Words. Words. This person was speaking to him. How should he respond? He hadn't actually talked to a person with his own voice in days. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

The stranger knelt down on his knees and tentatively laid his hand on Kazuaki's. Locking fingers, the stranger gently pulled Kazuaki's hand from his forehead. Kazuaki carefully looked through the fingers on his free hand at the stranger's face. He was pretty, but he looked sad somehow. His hands were very cold. Kazuaki's face flushed.

"Shhh," the stranger comforted, warm but cool at the same time. Listening to him made Kazuaki dizzy. "Take deep breaths. Breathe in on three counts, breathe out on eight. One... two... three..."

Kazuaki felt the humid air sting his throat as he breathed in through his nose. There were all sorts of winged insects buzzing around in his head as the strange sensation of the air paired with the touch of the stranger's hand washed over him.

"Now breathe out through your mouth... slowly. One... two... three... four... five... six..."

The stranger couldn't make it past six before Kazuaki lurched forward into a coughing fit. The stranger waited patiently until he finished, and then cooly introduced himself as if nothing happened.

"I am Uzune Hitori. What is your name? Where do you live? I'll help you get home."

Kazuaki opened his mouth at first to speak, but only a tiny croak came out. Regaining himself admirably, he tried again.

"I'm Kazuaki... Nanaki..."

"You're the hikikomori that lives in the apartment complex down the street, right?"

Those cruel words pierced right through Kazuaki's gut.

"I-I... I um... I l-live..."

Uzune seemed to notice the discomfort he'd caused and corrected himself quickly. "I'm sorry, that was rude of me. Please forgive me." Slowly standing up with Kazuaki's fingers entwined with his, Uzune coaxed Kazuaki into standing. "I'm still going to take you home, if that's alright. I want to make sure you're okay."

They walked for a while in complete silence. Kazuaki felt a little comforted by Uzune's presence, but it still took him a huge struggle to find words to express his gratitude with.

About the time they entered the apartment complex building, Kazuaki finally found words. "Th... Thank you so much Mr. Uzune! You really saved me today! I'd like to repay you by making you some tea, so would you be willing to come inside for a little while!?"

Uzune just smiled. "Hitori is fine. I'd be glad to spend some time with you."

Kazuaki was filled with some sort of newfound energy as he fixed tea for Hitori and himself. They enjoyed it together happily, talking about all sorts of things; life, family, illness, misfortune. Hitori had a lot of things to be sad about, Kazuaki discovered. At the point he realized who Hitori was, the poor hikikomori almost felt criminal accepting Hitori's kindness.

Hitori returned frequently after that. They became so close eventually that they started dating. Hitori became Kazuaki's first kiss, his first love, and eventually, the one person Kazuaki wanted to spend eternity with.

One day, Hitori told him that he would like them to die together.

"Die with me, Nanaki." The words came out so clean and innocent, Kazuaki can't help but smile. "I'll supply the medicine, I'll be here tomorrow. This world is horrible. This world has done nothing but chew on us and spit us out bloody. I don't want to live in a world as horrible as this, so please, won't you die with me?"

Kazuaki couldn't hold back the tears.

The rest of it was a blur, the medication blotting out Kazuaki's final day. Hitori came over the next day with a bag full of medications, as planned. He closed his eyes as he swallowed as many pills as he could, and then the two laid out on the balcony together. Hitori locked his fingers with Kazuaki's just as they did when they first met.

Things were getting blurry, Kazuaki knew the end was coming soon. He was so glad, so relieved, that he could be there with Hitori.

"Hitori... I love you." he whispered weakly, but Hitori did not answer.

That should have been the first alarm, but Kazuaki was too blinded by the his romanticized lover's suicide to care.

Instead of reacting to Hitori's lack of reaction, Kazuaki only continued on.

"I'm so tired, holding your hand like this. We're almost to the end. It's just us here... at the end of the world. It's almost time to say goodbye to all of the horrible things in this place." He shut his eyes gently, squeezing Hitori's hand tighter.

"I guess you're right," Hitori finally responded, the corners of his mouth turning up tensely, as if he was forcing himself to smile. "I was thinking it was about time I said goodbye to you."

Hitori slipped his hand so easily out of Kazuaki's grasp before standing up calmly and walking away. Kazuaki strained to turn and look at him as Hitori reached into Kazuaki's bag, pulling out anything that proved the hikikomori's identity.

"Wh... what? Hitori... what are you doing?"

"Goodbye, Nanaki. I'm leaving. This is as far as I'm taking you."

Kazuaki tries to reach out, to crawl to the one bright, shining light in his entire world, but he can't move. The pills have already damaged him too much.

"I thought we were... going to die together... I thought we were going to leave this world together...!"

"I'll die soon enough, but I have things I need to do."

"No... Hitori, please... I don't want to die! I don't want to die! ... Please! Call an ambulance! Please! I'm sorry, I don't want to die right now!"

"It's too late for that." Hitori replied, his voice cool as always, but somehow a little bit strained. "People like you are pathetic, complaining and getting in the way all of the time."

"You don't mean that, do you Hitori? Please! I don't want to die! You're right, I'm a bother! So you don't ever have to look at me ever again! Please, save me! This is wrong! You don't have to kill me! Please, call an ambulance!"

"They won't come, Nanaki. This is the end of the world, remember? It belongs to just you and me."

Kazuaki's lungs were burning. He could cry any more tears. He couldn't scream. All he could do was beg the love of his life to spare him in his own cracking, dying voice.

"Hitori this isn't funny! Please! I'm scared! Help me! Comfort me like you always do, hold me like you always do! It isn't supposed to be like this! You are all I have!"

"I did all I could do for you, Nanaki. Sorry."

Kazuaki's arm moved slowly and shakily as he tried to shove his fingers down his throat. His whole body convulsed as he could do nothing but gag and choke.

"Please don't try to throw up... it's too late, and it will only hurt you even more."

Hopelessly, Kazuaki's arm fell weakly back to his side. His vision went black as he rolled over to his side, his cheek pressing lightly against his own pool of tears and drool. He could hear Hitori's footsteps as they retreated back inside Kazuaki's apartment.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

And that was the end.

Kazuaki woke up on a strange train, alone.


End file.
